Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Your Boss Is A Douche

Most likely, your boss is a douche.  It’s probably not all her fault, she probably wasn’t trained in how to manage people, or in how to establish clear expectations and rewards, or how to appropriately accept the burdens of power; She is probably your boss because:

1) She was very good at her old job doing work that did not involve interactions with the humans

2) She is a really excellent suck-up with “executive potential” and her bosses don’t have a clue what you all do anyway in your department and really don’t care

3) No one else wants the job because you guys are douches, and this is punishment.

4) They are going to eliminate or merge your department with another and no one is telling you

5) Her boss is a douche and he believes douchiness is the best qualification, it’s called cascading douchiness

6) Her dad or grandad owns the company, and hey, news to you, it’s called Douche Bag Inc

7) She is really qualified for the job and is an excellent leader.

Okay, #7 is as necessary and rare as Karl Rove in prison, but, I digress.

Most employment issues are not caused by poor workers, rather, contrary to popular view,  most employment dustups are caused by crappy, douche bag bosses.  Crappy bosses, unfortunately for you, have the power to negate their own inadequacies by blaming you; power sucks when you don’t have it, and you don’t have it. Unless you are a boss, in which case, you can turn around and take it out on your miserable underlings.  And btw, sorry to break it to you but if you are also a boss, odds are, you are a douche.  This is the fate of most managers & executives, we have douches for bosses and we are douches as bosses, and occasionally we have douches for staff, it’s called the Lucky Douche Trifecta.

There are ranges of douchiness, so one hopes that your boss is on the mild douchiness scale. Those are mostly tolerable.  As the scale climbs, however, your chance for a work life without confusion, erratic standards, and misery declines exponentially.  I will be writing posts on how to cope with douchey bosses, depending on the type and degree of douchiness.   There are always ways to find some thread of hope, however thin and snapping.

Enjoy your work day!

Let’s say you want to get fired from your crappy job for some reason, and you don’t want anyone to know that you want this to happen intentionally (“but it wasn’t my fault, I tried.”).  The easiest way to do it without appearing to do it is simply to not show up or call in sick to work a bunch of days without a doctor’s note.

Don’t show up and don’t call in on consecutive Fridays and Mondays, this works best.  If you want to really speed it up, don’t show up and don’t call in every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.  This will establish an “unacceptable pattern of absenteeism” and a “failure to follow policy on use of sick days.”  But you will be at work Tuesday and Friday, and so you can’t be fired for “Job Abandonment” which would look too intentional. Make sure you say “I was feeling like I was sick or something, so I didn’t  think I had to come in and I forgot to call in.”

Be sure you go out on those sick days where co-workers can see you, and don’t act like you are sick and go out of your way to say “Hi”, look like you are having fun and if someone says “I heard your were sick.” just laugh and snicker and say “Yeah, I’m sick.” and wink.

HR will tolerate incompetence and all manner of prejudicial behavior or meanness but NEVER absenteeism.  Even for good reason.

One caveat:  NEVER give any indication that you were absent because of drunkenness.  This is covered as a one-time disability under the Americans with Disabilities Act, and your job is legally required to give you the chance to seek recovery and cannot fire you (under the “one bite at the apple” rule), at least the first time you indicate you are a drunk.  If you have already indicated that you are a drunk and have used your one bite at the apple, come to work drunk a second time (and be obnoxious, call your female boss a “lesbo cunt” or your male boss a “fucking fag”) and you should be fired lickety split.

I’ll have another post on How to Get Fired and Still be Unemployment Eligible, later.

Perfect employees are never the most competent employee,  if you believe so, get ready to face misery at work, your life will be years of unmet expectation and growing resentment as you watch the incompetent and the stupid and the suck-ups get paid more and promoted on a regular basis.

You cannot change the fact of life in HR, but you can lower your expectations and try to salvage some personal happiness.  Your professional happiness teeters on the stupidity and venality of others, and it doesn’t look good.

Fun with HR

You think to yourself, why would anyone ever consider working in HR as fun? Is this person drunk? To work with “people” who epitomize the worst of the rule-bound, self-important, pompous, and the arrogant and who all share a common delusion that they are really “people persons” ?

Ah, but you misread the title, it is not “Fun in HR” at all, because working in HR with rule-bound, self-important, pompous, arrogant, delusional people is barely any fun at all. This blog is to show you how you can have fun with HR, once you understand some of the rules.

This blog, while written by a former HR professional, is not meant as legal or professional advice and should be considered as for “entertainment purposes only.”

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.